For a lot of alcoholics and addicts, one of the hardest things for them to manage is relationships. They either get too attached, isolate, or run away when they feel powerless – which is most of the time.
For our article purposes, we shall take one person, for example, as in the case of a female alcoholic who sought family therapy many times, addiction recovery assistance, and has been an active member in good standing with a Twelve Step recovery group for nearly seven years.
After many years of hard work on herself, both psychologically and spiritually, she still struggles with attachment issues. She suffered from severe separation anxiety disorder as a little girl, stemming from having only one parent – her mom. Her father also suffered from addiction and left her and her mom when she was a mere few days old.
Here is the list of people and things she had/has attachment issues with:
- Her mom
- Friends
- Drugs and alcohol
- Her longtime boyfriend, who later became her husband
- Firstborn son
- Second-born son
It has been suspected that she might have had untreated anxious-preoccupied attachment issues involving:
- Fear of abandonment
- Tendency to overanalyze the behavior of loved ones
- Struggle with trust issues
- Difficulty with emotional regulation
- Challenges in maintaining healthy relationships
This is not simply separation anxiety or DSED (disinhibited social engagement disorder) residue.
According to the Attachment Trauma Network, “Attachment disorders are conditions that hinder the formation of secure emotional bonds, affecting a person’s ability to form and maintain relationships. These disorders can have long-lasting effects on emotional and social well-being.
Healthy development is deeply rooted in secure emotional bonds that foster a sense of trust, safety, and emotional security. Grasping the definition and significance of attachment disorders paves the way for identifying and addressing these challenges in individuals and families,”.
What causes attachment disorder in adults
Research shows that DSED may develop in response to social neglect and a lack of consistent attachment to a primary caregiver during the first two years of life. Symptoms may include:
- hyperactivity
- minimal social boundaries
- extreme sociability
- readiness to approach and engage with strangers
If a child with DSED does not receive effective treatment, the issue can manifest or continue into adulthood. Regarding our female example, her mom was very loving and attentive, which, in turn, made her feel safe and loved. Unfortunately, though, her mother suffered from depression as a result of being emotionally abused by her family of origin.
First, the good news about our example: DSED typically develops when children have no consistent caregiver — think orphanages, foster care with many placements, or neglect. This child had a loving, attentive mom, which is actually a protective factor. So, if DSED is suspected here, it would likely be a milder presentation, and here’s why it could still show up:
What Might Have Happened
Mom was carrying a heavy load — her own depression and generational trauma from emotional abuse in her family. Even with the best intentions and genuine love, there may have been moments of emotional unavailability — times when mom was simply too depleted to respond consistently.
The child learned something confusing early on:
“The person I love most sometimes isn’t fully ‘there’ for me emotionally — even when she’s physically present.”
Common manifestations in adults could show up in these ways:
Relationship Instability: A pattern of sabotaging good relationships, choosing volatile partners, or fearing abandonment while simultaneously pushing people away.
Trust and Intimacy Issues: Extreme difficulty trusting others and severe anxiety when emotional closeness is established.
Emotional Regulation Issues: Inability to manage emotions, resulting in outbursts, mood swings, or emotional numbness.
Boundary Issues: Difficulty maintaining healthy personal boundaries, leading to being either excessively guarded or overly trusting (vulnerable to abuse).
Low Self-Esteem and Identity: Deep-seated feelings of worthlessness, lack of belonging, or a feeling of being an outsider.
Social Behaviors: Social withdrawal, lack of empathy, or excessive suspicion.
Associated Mental Health Issues: Increased likelihood of experiencing depression, anxiety, PTSD, or personality disorders.
These adults might have a disorganized attachment style, in which they simultaneously crave closeness while fearing it, leading to volatile behavior.
The Father’s Absence
Dad leaving as a baby didn’t cause DSED directly, but it meant:
- One less regulated, consistent adult in her world
- All the pressure of her emotional world landed on one person (mom)
- When mom was depleted by depression, there was no backup to fill the gap
Types of attachment disorders
We have discussed DSED; let’s explore another type. Medical News Today explains Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as, “RAD typically stems from early childhood maltreatment or neglect. In adolescents, this may present as:
- having low levels of interaction with other people
- showing little or no evidence of emotion during social interactions
- having difficulty calming down when stressed
- seeming unhappy, irritable, sad, or scared when engaging in everyday activities with their caregivers
If the child does not receive effective treatment, the symptoms of RAD may manifest or continue into adulthood. Possible symptoms of the disorder in adults include:
- difficulty reading emotions
- resistance to affection
- difficulty showing affection
- low levels of trust
- difficulty maintaining relationships
- a negative self-image
- anger issues
- impulsivity
- detachment,”.
Untreated childhood RAD or DSED can cause low self-esteem, emotional impairment, difficulty in social situations, anxiety, depression, dissociation, or substance misuse during adulthood.
After the female child grew up, she became a mother herself, and when her sons were five and two years old, her mom died suddenly of a heart attack at only fifty-eight years old.
Afterward, she had anxiety about leaving her sons and was a very involved parent. She is now feeling like she has separation anxiety issues with her sons at ages twenty-one and seventeen. Keeping her boys close meant she could see them, know they were safe, and manage the terror of unexpected loss.
This is a beautiful and heartbreaking clinical picture. What we’re looking at is attachment trauma echoing across generations — and this mother has been both shaped by it and actively fighting against it her whole parenting life.
Her mom wasn’t just her mom. Her mom was her original safe base — the one person who had always been there. Losing her suddenly, with two babies at home (5 and 2), didn’t just mean grief. It meant:
“The one person I was always terrified to lose — is gone. And now I have two tiny people who could also be taken from me without warning.”
Her childhood separation anxiety, which had never fully resolved, was confirmed by reality.
The full picture suggests:
- Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) — repeated, prolonged relational trauma rather than a single event
- Anxious/Fearful Attachment — formed early, reinforced repeatedly
- Complicated Grief — multiple losses, none of which were “clean”
- Possible codependency patterns — her sons as her primary anchor post-recovery
On a positive note, our subject broke a generational cycle for her sons. They are likely to have secure attachment because of her sacrifice and intentionality.
Now, for possibly the first time, she has the chance to do that work for herself — not to be a better mom, not for anyone else — but to finally let her own nervous system learn what it never got to learn as a little girl:
“I am safe. People leaving is not the same as people dying. I can be loved even when someone isn’t in the room.”
Addiction and attachment theory
In conclusion, healing attachment wounds is lifelong work — but with awareness, recovery, and support, breaking generational cycles and building lasting security is absolutely possible.