Stress does not even begin to express the level of madness one might feel when raising teenagers – especially if you are a single parent with a full-time job and all the financial burdens are solely on your shoulders. Although, financial stress has nothing on what one might face when dealing with teenage ‘tude on your own with no one to back you up or at least give you a much-needed break from the madness.
It’s hard enough on a mama’s heart to see your sweet little baby go off to elementary school. Still, when those middle school years hit, quickly followed by high school, when suddenly they know everything and you are irrelevant except for when they need a ride or money – it’s quite the kick in the gut!
Handling stressful situations when they realize you might know something or if they are sick is easy. It’s when they are going through those normal growing pains of pushing boundaries and talking back is the hardest part for me in keeping my cool.
However, there are times when you can keep your emotions in check, realizing what’s happening in their teenage minds. While other times, when they have pushed too hard for too many days, you just have to lay the smackdown. I don’t care how many parenting books you read or therapy sessions you attend; there are going to be times when tough love and setting strict boundaries inevitably must happen.
And guess what? The teenager is not going to be happy. That is when it becomes most difficult (as if it wasn’t already!), and we have to stick to our guns, lay down the law, say what we mean, and mean what we say. If that means Mama doesn’t get to go anywhere because we must enforce groundings or consequences, then that’s how it has to be. It’s not easy, but it is worth it in the long run.
I literally laughed out loud when I saw this report titled, “Want More Stress In Your Life? Try Parenting A Teenager”. NPR (National Public Radio) writes, “When it comes to stress, parenting a teen is “inherently stressful even in the best scenarios,” according to David Palmiter, a clinical psychologist, professor at Marywood University in Scranton, Pa., and creator of the blog Hectic Parents.com.
He says it essentially boils down to a teenager’s quest for independence. And that is understandably stressful for parents who used to be ‘driving the bus,’ he says. Now, he says, there’s someone in the back seat saying (or yelling) ‘No, don’t put the blinker on here, take that exit, what are you thinking?’
This constant questioning and challenging can be stressful for parents, of course, but Palmiter says it’s actually a healthy part of growing up, and it often means parents are doing everything right,”.
Okay, well, at least I have that, right? I guess this too shall pass – maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass!
Stages of empty nest syndrome
What is sad to this Mama is that I do know this will pass, and it will do so quickly. I will blink, and there will be no more messes to clean up after, no one bugging me to make dinner because they “are starving,” no loud footsteps around the house, no chaos of friends coming in and out – it will be quiet, and that’s what scares me. I know that someday soon, as crazy as this sounds, I’m going to miss this.
As with any grief, whether it is the loss of a parent, a divorce, retirement (still not sure I’ll be all that torn up over that), or your children growing up and flying the coop, there will be a few stages to go through, such as:
- Sadness, loneliness
- Acceptance
- Joy
I suppose I will get to that joy phase, but I cannot fathom that at this point, so I will choose to stay in today to avoid being anxious. I will not live in the past of their little kid days either. I will embrace all the stress of today, and even though I feel I might have a nervous breakdown in the heat of the moment, I will at least try. Some wise people once told me, “If you have one foot in the future and one in the past, you are peeing all over today.” Ha ha!
The Parent Encouragement Program offers the following suggestions on how to cope, “Just because you are separated geographically does not mean you can’t stay connected, especially with today’s technology. The mode of communication (phone calls, texts, FaceTime) and frequency (daily, weekly, monthly) needs to be comfortable for both you and your child. Just because you want to talk daily doesn’t mean they feel the same way. Tread lightly at first and ask what feels reasonable to them.
No matter what strategies you use to adjust to this new stage of your life, your feelings of loss and sadness won’t go away automatically. Your children moving out on their own is most likely a big change. You are entering a new phase of your life and need time to grieve the loss of the old one. Be kind to yourself. Once you adjust, the days won’t feel so long and the years will begin to feel short again,”.
What to do when the nest is empty?
When my nest is empty, I am the type of person who will need to keep busy because if I do not, I may end up looking through pictures and crying over the glory days of my children being little and snuggling with their Mama watching PBS cartoons like Sesame Street and Curious George.
Arizona State University says to try these tactics:
- “Acknowledge and accept emotions
- Prioritize self-care
- Rediscover personal interests
- Strengthen relationships
- Set new goals,”.
Well, at least, if we are fortunate enough, we can hope to look forward to grandchildren! I have heard that we get to enjoy all the best parts of our grandchildren and let their parents go through the growing pains just as we did. I am sure my mom is “up there” somewhere, laughing at me as I deal with the trials of parenting her teenage grandsons. I can hear her now, “Turn around is fair play, Beebs!”.
Stress of parenting teens
Navigating the teenage years can be incredibly challenging, especially for single parents balancing multiple responsibilities. Ultimately, embracing the present and maintaining healthy communication will guide you through the storm, leading to rewarding connections and future joys.